The FOMO 12 Step Program You Really Shouldn’t Miss!

  1. We admitted we were powerless to stay off social media and read status updates of everyone’s vacations. Our lives had become unmanageable as we endlessly refused to take a shower.
  2. We came to believe that if we only had as much money as everyone else, we could be restored to sanity.
  3. We made the decision to turn all of our worldly possessions over to God until we wanted them back.
  4. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves and wondered how everyone else’s inventory was going. Were they more moral? Did they have more inventory?
  5. We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs, and wished that we could talk to that more interesting person sitting over there who is talking to the person we didn’t like. We wondered desperately what they were laughing at. What was so dang funny?
  6. We were entirely ready to have God remove the source of our fear and strike that bee-yotch DOWN.
  7. We humbly asked Him if He’d make sure we got invited to the Laugh it Up people’s party this Saturday.
  8. We made a list of all the persons we’d harmed with our FOMO, and we became willing to make amends if they’d just knock off the cliquishness and let us eat lunch with them.
  9. We made direct forays for this purpose on these people by stalking them relentlessly in case they were doing something more fun. They never were.
  10. We continued to take personal inventory to make sure we had as much stuff as that jerk with the Corvette who lives down the street, and when we were wrong, we took his stuff.
  11. We sought through whining and complaining to improve our conscious contact with all acquaintances as we understood their whereabouts, praying only that they wouldn’t block or unfriend us, and pretending to be happy for their good fortune.
  12. We had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, and we tried to carry this message to FOMO-philes everywhere, which wasn’t easy because they were always on their way to somewhere else. We tried to make them as scared as we were that they’ve been missing out on something.

--

--

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store