The Bucket List Conspiracy

Don’t be fooled by the glitz and glamor of a bucket list.

The bucket list will wipe you out. Literally. We’re all supposed to have a “bucket list;” things we want to do before we kick that bucket. Who uses a bucket anymore? They got those Swiffer jets that fly at 500 knots per square inch of linoleum now.

It was fun to wash the car with a bucket though, when I used to do that. It’s good fun to get wet and soapy outside in short shorts and a tank top. If I do that now, I get the fun of scaring 20 somethings with the sight of Grandma in a wet tee shirt.

Let me tell you what the bucket list is really about. It’s about making sure you “go” sooner, rather than later. It’s about getting rid of a few people who swim in the shallow end of the gene pool, thus saving Medicare buckets of money down the road.

If you don’t believe me, let’s take a look at some of the things “they” (meaning those shadowy men in suits who work for a shadowy government agency), suggest we do before we “die.”

To make sure we’re doing those things, they send black helicopters out to film us and then report back to the Department of Health and Human Services and AARP. These two have been fighting a lot recently over this. AARP depends on our $16 a year. Never once have they brought up “bucket lists” and bungee jumping in their…